Their Greatest Problem
by Mizu Miyamoto
Summary: Roy, Alphonse, and Edward are under attack from......fangirls? Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

**Their Greatest Problem**

**A FMA fanfiction by Mizu Miyamoto**

**Chapter Ichi: Eins: One**

"Big brother, get up!"

"I don't wanna get up!"

"Come on! It's important!"

"No!"

Today was Edward Elric's day off. That meant no chasing after deranged criminals, no fighting Roy, and no orders from Miss Hawkeye. And because it was his day off, Ed was sleeping in.

"But big brother…" Al mumbled.

"FINE! I'M OUT OF BED!" snarled Ed, popping out of bed, "Now what more do you want!"

"Look outside. You're not going to like it…"

Ed drew the plaid curtains. Outside, as far as the eye could see, were masses and masses of rabid, demented fangirls. Some had shirts with pictures of Ed embroidered on them, some had Ed (and even some Al) plashes clutched tightly to their chests. There were even some fangirls who were foaming at the mouth, their red eyes complimenting their rabidness.

"Hurry, draw the curtains before they see us!" However, it was too late. Some fan girls had already detected their presence, and they began crowding their faces into the windowpane, just to get a better look at their beloved idol. Ed wrinkled his face in disgust. "We've got to escape! We will be safe up on the roof." The two scrambled out of the room and into the hallway, only to be met by a group of fangirls, who had their hair styled just like Ed's.

"I love you the most out of all the fangirls Ed! Take me home with you!" squealed one fat Ed fangirl.

"I love you even more than her! I have wallpaper with pictures of you all over it! I have statues of you in my garden! I have socks with your name on them! I even have some underwear with your picture on them!" cried a pimple-covered fangirl. There was an especially large pimple on her chin.

"I love Ed more!" sneered the fat fangirl, placing her hands on her hips.

"No, I love him more! I love him so much that I would rip my heart out and feed it to him if he were starving!"

"I LOVE HIM MORE YOU SQUEALING FANGIRL! I WOULD CUT OFF ALL MY HAIR JUST TO GIVE HIM A WIG IF HE WERE BALD!"

Sweatdrops ran down Ed and Al's head.

"I LOVE ED SO MUCH THAT I WOULD KILL MY FAMILY TO SAVE HIS LIFE!"

"NO NO NO! I LOVE ED MORE! I WOULD DRINK BRUSSEL SPROUT SODA EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE JUST TO BE HIS WIFE!

"No you wouldn't!" Then, the two crazed girls got in a catfight, and beat each other senseless. Meanwhile, Ed and Al had found their way to the roof.

"I wonder where all the fangirls came from?" Al asked.

"I don't know….I wonder how Lt. Mustang is doing…I wonder if he has any frenzied fans chasing him around…"

* * *

A few miles away, Lt. Mustang was in his office, under a brutal assault of fan-girls.

"I don't know how long this barricade will hold them off…" sighed Risa Hawkeye, pushing the last of Roy's filing cabinets against the door.

"Well, we have three days worth of rations…maybe by then they'll be gone," Roy muttered. All of a sudden, a Molotov cocktail, a homemade grenade, flew through the window of Mustang's office.

"Grenade!" shouted Risa. The two ran to the farthest corner. The grenade exploded, sending pieces of shrapnel everywhere.

"Damn, they're persistent…" Roy grumbled, "What are we going to do to get them to go away?"

"Save us the trouble and just go out there and do their bidding."

"But they're rabid fangirls! In addition, fangirls like yaoi! And I'm heterosexual!"

"Hmmm, let me call some back-up."

* * *

"Yes, Armstrong here," said a burly man, picking up a telephone.

"We need your help. There's fangirls attacking us!"

"Yes ma'am. I'll be over at once."

* * *

"Meh….I'm hungry…" mumbled Ed, his stomach growling like a chimera in a cage.

"I'll go get you something to eat."

"No, nevermind Al. There's fangirls out there who want you too…I'll just go hungry."

"Can I eat them?"

Ed and Al's heads turned in response to the voice.

"You! You're behind all of this!"

_**To be continued…..**_


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: For all those who want to know, Alphonse is in his armor form. I apologize for downgrading Roy Mustang to Lieutenant, but I forgot what rank he is. Anyway, I shall continue with the fiction.

**Chapter Ni: Zwei: Two**

"Can I eat them?"

Ed and Al's heads turned in response to the voice.

"You! You're behind all of this!" shouted Al. It was none other than the pudgiest of the homunculi: Gluttony.

"No, actually we aren't behind all this," said another voice. Lust appeared behind the living ball of lard.

"You! What are you doing here?" Ed interrogated.

"The same reason you're here: to escape the onslaught of fans," replied Lust, twirling her hair with her finger.

"There's such thing as Lust and Gluttony fans?" Al whispered into his older brother's ear. Ed nodded slightly.

"Couldn't you just have Gluttony eat them all?" Ed questioned.

"There's too many. The fangirls would overwhelm us with their want of autographs," Lust explained, "And its not like I can kill them…some of them are my fans…"

"So, we just stand up here and starve to death?" Edward snarled.

"I have a plan!" Gluttony commented, "We eat them!"

"I don't have any desire to become a cannibal," said Ed, sweatdrop rolling down his forehead. That's when a roof tile popped up. Then another popped up. And another.

"Oh no! The fans have discovered our location!" gasped Alphonse. More roof tiles flew off. Then, fangirls, like a swarm of rats, began to crawl out of the holes in the roof.

"WE WANT YOU ED!"

"AL AL AL! I MUST HAVE YOU ALPHONSE ELRIC!"

The fangirls came closer.

"WE LOOOOOOOVE YOU EDWARD!

"AAAAAAAAALLPHOOOOOOOOONNNNSEEEEEE!"

"GLUTTONY! I LOVE YOUR FATNESS!"

"Well, I guess we're at the end of our rope," sighed Lust.

"Not yet!" said Ed, clapping his hands together to form a transmutation circle. All of a sudden, the roof tiles turned into a set of stairs, which led down to the ground. Thankfully, there were no more fangirls down there; for they were all up on the roof. Al destroyed the stairs after everyone, including himself, had made it to the ground.

"Hey, where are you going?" questioned Ed. Lust was riding a lean, black horse. Gluttony rode a corpulent, chubby pony.

"Nice knowing you, Elric brothers!" said Lust, waving a hand. Gluttony smiled his gluttonous smile at the Elrics, and then the two rode off.

"Feh, we help them out and they just ride off," Ed grumbled.

"Well, they are the homunculi."

Ed exhaled deeply. "Anyway, we better report this to Risa…maybe she can help solve this fangirl problem."

* * *

"Oh my…" gasped Armstrong, staring at the mass of fangirls, "This is a problem…" _Hmmmm…maybe I showed them my muscles maybe they would crowd around me and not Hawkeye and Mustang…_

"Hey, fangirls, you want to see something even better than Roy?" shouted Mustang. The fangirls turned around and looked at Armstrong.

"Check this out!" Armstrong tore off his jacket, his bulky muscles exposed. He struck a pose, and smiled, showing off his shiny, glittering teeth.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewww!" cried the fangirls. They were not interested in middle-aged men's muscles, let alone middle-aged men themselves. The Roy fangirls ran off, forgetting about their Roy-kun. Armstrong blinked in confusion. _Are my muscles not big enough for them? Maybe my chest is too hairy…_

"Armstrong! You saved us!" cheered Risa Hawkeye, emerging from the State Alchemist headquarters. Roy followed behind her.

"Ah, it was nothing," replied Armstrong, rubbing the back of his head, embarrassed.

"I award you the medal of courage!" announced Risa, pulling out a large, jewel-encrusted medal, "But first….you need to put your shirt back on…"

"Risa! Fangirls are after us!" shouted Ed, running into the scene.

"You were attacked too?" asked Roy.

"Yes! Both me and Al!"

"Alright Armstrong, go do your thing!"

"Yes ma'am!"

"But not yet," interrupted Mustang, "We must celebrate Armstrong's victory!"

"Yes! Let's! I'm hungry," added Edward.

* * *

The State Alchemists went all out at celebrating Armstrong's victory. Some alchemists played tubas and others performed karaoke. Beer, whiskey, vodka, and apple juice was served to all who came.

"Whooo hoo! This is damn good beer!" shouted Roy, banging his beer bottle on the table.At another table, Ed happily guzzled down apple juice and Alphonse polished his armor. Even Miss Hawkeye had a shot or two of whiskey.However, none of them noticed the fangirls, peering in through the windows….

_**To be continued…**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**DISCLAIMER: **I apologize if this chapter is a bit short. I have not been feeling well recently, so that has limited my time on the computer._

**Chapter San: Drei: Three**

"Al, I'm going to bed. I'm tired," grumbled Ed, swaying back and forth as he made it to his quarters.

"Ok," Al answered.

The room was so quiet now that everyone had left the party. The only noise was the tick tock of the cuckoo clock. In a corner, Al rubbed his arm viciously with an oil-sodden rag. Lately, rust spots had been appearing all over his armor. Whether it was from the humidity or stress, he did not know. A high pitched _mew _disrupted the vacant silence.

"Do I hear a cat?" Al whispered to himself. Another _mew_ rang out. Al got up from his seat and peered out the window. There was no cat in sight. Someone, something knocked at the door. After closing the window, Al unlocked and opened the door. A giant wooden cat, about twice the size of Al, stood at the door. _Hm, I guess it would not hurt to take it in…_

"Free tacos! Get your tacos!" called a man, standing behind a counter. Ed walked over to them man, and gave him three dollars.

"I'll take a taco! Don't be skimpy on the cheese!"

"No soup for you!" replied the man. All of a sudden, his head turned into a cat.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!" Ed woke up. _Oh, good thing that was just a dream._ He fluffed up his pillow, and closed his eyes.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGG!"

"That sounds like Al!" Ed sprung out of bed, sending sheets flying everywhere. He scurried out of his room and sped down the hall. However, it was too late. There was no Alphonse Elric in sight. Ed flung open the door, revealing a mass of fangirls.

"Can we have your autograph?" they begged. Ed slammed the door shut. _I thought they were gone for good! I had better notify Risa and the others…_

Off in the red light district of town, surrounded by demented fangirls in homely warehouse full of rodents sat Alphonse, slumped up in a corner.

"Heh heh heh……what shall we make him do first?" snickered a brunette fangirl.

"Kiss our feet!" exclaimed one.

"Ewww! No! Let's make sure he makes out with each one of us!" whined a red head.

"No, we might get some disease!" a skinny, yet short girl bickered.

"From a sexy suit of armor?"

"No you idiot! From each other!"

_Aaaack! Too many girls…I think I'm going to pass out…_ A stream of grease (instead of blood) shot out of Al's nose, and he fainted.

"Now look what you've done! You made Al pass out!"

"No, you did!" Soon enough, the fangirls got into a free-for-all brawl. Hair, shreds of clothing, and blood flew everywhere. Screams echoed through the warehouse, then died down. Blood, and carcasses of fangirls lay everywhere. In the midst of all this, only one live fangirl remained.

"Al…must have…AL!" she crooned one last time, and then she fell to the ground, dead. Her battle wounds had drained too much blood. Al paid no attention, for he was knocked out, dreaming about himself prancing about in a field of fuschia and saffron butterflies.

"Now if I were a fangirl, where would I be?" wondered Roy Mustang, stroking his chin as walked down a street. Ed and Risa Hawkeye walked alongside him.

"Well, maybe at a yaoi shop?" questioned Risa.

"Is that implying something?" Roy said, raising an eyebrow.

"I am not a fangirl!" Risa sputtered.

"Hehehe…"

The three stopped walking. "That sounds like a demonic fangirl!" Ed notified. He transmuted his automail arm into its weapon form. Risa pulled out her gun. Roy slinked away into a shonen ai/ yuri store.

"Wait….I think I know how we can find your brother…." announced Risa, "Fangirl, wherever you are, show yourself!"

_**To be continued…**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Yon: Vier: Four**

* * *

"Fangirl, wherever you are, show yourself!" demanded Risa Hawkeye. A dark-skinned fangirl stepped out of the shadows. She had various tattoos of male FMA characters all over her body.

"He shall be mine! My Roy-kun!" she screamed, running towards the store Roy was in.

"Oh no you don't," said Risa, grabbing ahold of the fangirl's arm.

"What! I need my Roy-kun fix!" the fangirl whined.

"Where's Alphonse Elric!"

"I don't know anything about an Alphonse Elric!"

"Yes you do. You have his head tattooed on your arm," replied Risa, glancing at the Al head tattoo.

"Leave me alone!" shrieked the fangirl, wriggling out of Risa's grasp.

"Hey wait, I'll strike you a deal! I'll let you have some time with your Roy kun if you first help us find Alphonse!"

The fangirl turned around and smiled. "Sounds like a deal."

"Now, all we have to do is drag Roy and Ed out of the Yuri store…"

* * *

The Yuri Store was a fanboy's dream come true. Posters, manga, anime, games and even inflatable dolls of hot anime characters filled the shop. In a corner lit by a Faye Valentine lamp, Ed was reading a hot and spicy doujinshii (fan made manga) of MyHime. Drool dripped out of his mouth and onto the floor. Roy was engrossed in an equally sultry doujinshii of Gravion: Zwei. Risa shook her head sadly. _What are guys coming to these days… _She walked over to Roy, and grabbed him by the arm.

"It's time to go. We're not here to read nasty doujinshii, we're looking for Alphonse."

"Let me finish this last page!" complained Roy.

"No! We're going now! Ed, put that book down and come along!" Ed did as he was told. However, Risa ended up dragging Roy out of the store, pervy doujinshii included.

* * *

"Well, here we are," announced the dark-skinned fangirl, unlocking the door to a large, gloomy warehouse. Ed, Roy, and Risa stepped in, and looked around.

"I found him!" exclaimed Ed. He shook Alphonse awake.

"Oh, hi big brother!" Al replied, waking up from his peaceful slumber.

"Hey, are you ok? They didn't do anything bad to you, did they?"

"Well, they were going to make me kiss them…but they ended up killing each other in a big fight."

"Well, now that we've found your brother, let's get out of here," said Risa.

"Oh no you don't!" The door slammed shut. The dark-skinned fangirl grinned menacingly. "Now I can have you guys all to myself."

"Not if I'm around!" shouted Risa, whipping out her gun, "Open the door and let us all go free, or I'll shoot!"

"Oh, I'm so scared. You wouldn't shoot a child, would you Hawkeye?"

"Let us go or I'll shoot!"

Then, the fangirl's body began to shift into a familiar enemy's.

"Envy?"

"Heh, I had you all fooled," Envy snickered. He snapped his fingers, and Lust appeared.

"What? We helped you escape from the fangirls! What is the meaning of all this?" interrogated Edward.

"Stupid boy. We are the ones behind the whole fangirl scheme. We used forbidden alchemy to summon up mass amounts of fangirls," Lust informed.

"But then why did they come after you?" questioned Alphonse.

"Because we summoned up random, mass number of fangirls, there was no knowing whether they would be fangirls of us or not. However, almost all fangirls like Ed or Roy, so we put the resources to use," the guy with the palm tree hair, Envy, added.

"Mmmmm," hummed Gluttony, snacking on Roy's pants.

"Hey, how did he get here?" Roy wondered aloud. Gluttony continued to eat his pants. Taisa was about to send his flames upon Gluttony, but the obese homunculi ate his right glove off. A sweatdrop ran down Roy's head.

"A little help over here, guys?" he begged. Ed and company were about to rush over and help, but Envy and Lust stopped them in their tracks.

"You're not going to be saving anyone today," sneered Envy.

"Guys! Help! He's ate off my pants and underwear!" Roy screamed, "And now he's going to eat off my shirt!"

_**Be prepared for the shocking conclusion in Chapter Five!**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Fünf: Go: Five**

"Guys! Help! He's ate off my pants and underwear!" Roy screamed, "And now he's going to eat off my shirt!"

The room began to shake. Everyone looked up from what they were doing. Even Gluttony looked up from his meal of Roy trousers. A very loud thump- thump noise sounded.

Thump thump. The noise grew louder, and more frequent.

Thump thump THUMP THUMP THUMP. The noise grew so loud everyone covered his or her ears. The windows shattered.

THUMP THUMP THUMP! One of the warehouse's walls came crashing down. Fangirls, all of which wore triple plus sizes, came stampeding in (after all, they would not want to miss their chance to see a nude Roy). In doing so, they ran over Lust, Envy, and eventually, Gluttony. The corpulent fangirls crowded around the State Alchemists (except for Risa), snuggling against them and pressing their wet lips on their foreheads.

Roy tried to speak out in protest, but the loud smoooch noise of the fangirl's lips kept the other State Alchemists from noticing his complaints.

"I think smoooch I'll smooch rethink smooooch being smoooch heterosexual smoooooch."

The fangirls stopped kissing Roy, and squealed, "KAWAII!" Then, they continued their kissing cuddling, their love drive re-fueled after the Flame Alchemist's last remark.

"On second thought smooooch I smooch will smooch stay smooch hetero smooch."

**AFTERMATH**

Eventually, the missing alchemists were found by a Black Ops team of alchemists. The fangirls were massacred upon the team's arrival. Ed, due to his horrible memories of the pudgy fangirls (and the nude Roy), is going under intensive psychiatric treatment. He is currently on a daily 80 mg dose of Zoloft. Just before the Black Ops team's arrival, some fangirls gave their bodies to a human transmutation, in order to give Alphonse a body. Al likes his new body, and is aiding in his brother's mental rehabilitation. Risa is doing fine as well, and has taken up the position of Ed's psychiatrist. Roy was found dead at the warehouse, due to a massive nasal hemorrhage brought on by an erotic dance performed by the fangirls. He was buried at The State Alchemist's Cemetery. However, three days later, he rose out of his grave as a vampire, and is currently working for the Hellsing Organization under the name "Alucard." There he is engaged in a war against zombie fangirls.

THE END


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